Your Not College Material

Hey you, yeah, you. You suck. Your never ever going to get into college. All those crappy clay sculptures and half plagarized essays you piled up in high school? You might as well just use them to make a fire...a crappy fire. But hey...at least youd put those Eagle Scout skills to good use. Its the last time youll ever be needing those pal.

You see, getting into college and than surviving it is nothing like youve been told. Bullshit, alcohol, and a steady diet of adderall and antacids will probably be the only things youll ever need for the next four years.

But, before we get into why your not going to survive quoting Caesar at that awesome college with 200 years of tradition and really, really, super good looking people that youve had your heart set on for 5 years, Mr. Latin Club President, let me tell you why your not even getting into that place.

I dont know a better wayto piece this together than by making point by point reasons. A few years at college destroyed my ability to formulate a gramatically smooth argument.

Reason 1:
You never got any straight answers.
-I see it like this, when you first decided to steal a beer from dads fridge, didnt the incessant voices of mom and dad and that dude who got his balls chopped off in an accident after drinking and driving run through your head? Didnt you think, "Fuck, Im probably going to get drunk and either die or have a near death hangover just from finishing this bad boy..."? Well the same can be said for listening to your teachers. These miserable bastards want you to be obedient and ambitious. It makes sense. If you listen to them, they claim you will get everything you want out of college and your career. Unfortunately, what they never realized, is that they are wrong...and they suck.

The truth of the matter is, no teacher is going to tell you that its effective to stretch the truth on your personal accomplishments portion of an application or send an email to numerous professors explaining that your parents are both suffering from West Nile and you think your life experience could be enhanced at said university. It would discredit everything they are. People who become teachers do so because they never saw outside the box. They never realized bullshitting and lying can be very useful at times.

-On a side note, if you have a moral quandry with fibbing every now and than, you will not survive college or life after that. Its a dog eat dog world and if you dont do whatever it takes, your probably a vagina.

Anyways, that leads me to...

Reason 2:
People Are too Nice to Tell You Your Stupid
-I remember when I first got my SAT scores back all I wanted to know was if my scores were good or not. I went to every site in the world and asked every counselor at my school. They all told me that your SAT score doesent decide anything, that anything is possible. Well fuck you guys. My SAT scores werent bad, 1200 on the basic-1900 total, but if I had listened to these advice sites online or these counselors, I would have applied to Harvard, Yale, and probably for the Presidency. I am going to dedicate my next post to giving you a clearer idea of what your SAT score says about you.

Reason 3:
Your Too Uptight
-While I am not contradicting my claim that its a dog eat dog world and you have to pull out all the stops in order to get what you want, Im afraid to tell you that doing charity work and getting perfect attendance hardly matter. High school kids start thnking about college the day they become freshmen. They take SAT prep classes and join obscure clubs and sob when they get a B on the Algebra 2 mid term. What they dont realize is that colleges get thousands and thousands and thousands of admissions from kids who did the exact same things as you. What sets you apart from any of these other kids? I realized this when I was 15 and immediatly dropped out of any club I wasnt interested in personally. Instead, I focused on getting mediocre grades, reading and writing as often as possible to build up my personal knowledge, and making contacts that would help me in the future. When I applied to college, I got into every university I targeted because they noticed that I had emailed professors at those universities and started a lacrosse team. They noticed me. They noticed my average grades and strong SAT scores and they realized they had potential in this applicant. I had references from politicians I had bullshitted to in the past. They knew I has potential to think outside the box. You can do the same thing if you just dropped that pom pom and did something you cared about.